Sunday, September 11, 2005

to my dearest

I'm just laying back on the pillows on my bed, typing with the laptop on my... lap. Wow, I never put the two words together. Lap-Top. Makes sense now! The genius of the naming system. I also lit some incense (the purple stick on the taller dresser). It smells like an Indian merchandise store, but it's somehow relaxing.

It's only 10pm, but I'm reelin' and ready to go to sleep. I know it's too early for that, but all I can think of that I have the willingness and motivation to do are write to you in a coma-like state, read, or watch TV. The usual. I think maybe I need some structure in my free time. Some hobbies... then maybe I'd have more energy and more ideas?

Recently I've been feeling like my mind is on cruise control, my life is at a standstill. I know we've talked about this before, but somehow things don't change. I don't want to take any dance classes or yoga classes because they require payment. The gym is definitely cheaper, so it'll be good to see if signing up for one helps. :) I need one that I can get to without a car.

Maybe this is because I'm not taking time for myself. I'm not having enlightening thoughts that pull my life together, or give me a sense of where I'm going. I know you wouldn't mind, and would in fact encourage it. So, why don't I? Because I'm not thinking clearly, I'm not in control of my mind. I'm on cruise control and every pothole, I hit again and again, the victim. Every sign of warning or advice goes unnoticed and unheeded. Yes, I know that having an active mind is satisfying and control-enducing. But I dread it's powers over me. I dread /feeling/ high, bright emotions in fear of their opposite, crashing and disappointment. I cry way too easily anyway. Pent up emotions do no good for me.

Maybe I should go to a library to think. Or go to a park. I should look for some around here. Maybe even the Cambrige Commons is fine, after work, to just sit and stare and release. Should I bring a blanket in a backpack to lie down on? That would be nice.

Or even just walk into Harvard Square on one of the benches, buy a turkey sandwich with avocado, or a drink. Even just sit in one of the many churches on Garden Street, there's nothing wrong with that... unless there are homeless people in there too... damn it. I'm so sensitive to the smell is all. Plus, I can't help but wonder, until my brain reaches overload: how could they become like that, and be fine with that?

I suppose that's just one kind of ceiling. I guess there are many different ways you could "put up with" what life gives you. Like me, I'm just putting up with the fact that I'm not moving forward in my life, on a personal level. On a job-level, I'll learn and progress a lot if I try and be mentally intelligent, which I am definitely bordering on. But on a personal development level, I'm stagnant, and not conscious of what's happening, until a month passes and things are still the same.

It's aggravating as hell, in a passive way. Which is a silent killer of energy, which is what is happening to me. A cycle, as usual. Not doing anything kills energy which leads to doing less, which leads to killing more energy, which makes me feel like a limp piece of boiled bok choy, at the mercy of the next diner (ie, fate??).

But how can I change this? And that's another point of inner conflict, dissonance and debate. As much as I don't want to be in my situation, I'm also somehow confortable and don't want to put in the effort to improve my situation, as that makes me have to struggle first.

Always the struggle, and the first steps are the most foreign and heavy. But the first step... so evasive. So pursued. I hope I can achieve clarity...

Ah, time enough to go to sleep without feeling silly. 10:54...