And the waves of hell run rampant.

Sitting still in bed, with laptop where it was made (but perhaps not so well designed) to be, I try to conjure up the feeling that has been welling and festering deep inside my brain/soul. What is this all-too-familiar feeling that has been with me since I checked off that admissions application: "Computer Science" instead of "Biology." Granted, those were only two of many majors that Cornellian-to-be-hopefuls could choose, and little did I realize at that time that all those majors listed on those pages were just a handful of jobs that one could choose from in a lifetime.

Ignorance is bliss, I am told, and that I am coming to know from experience. So many people, so much to account for, and so many feelings to feel. How many people like myself go through each day in agony over why they get so caught up in thinking, and can't just do, "like everyone else does?" I know for certain that it's not just me that thinks that everyone else is like a robot caught in a web of pre-programmed thought called "society." From the looks of things, I expect that there exist intelligent robots, happy in their busy daily chores and blooming careers, taking the lumps with the cream, taking on each challenge with readied sleeves. I also expect that there exist intelligent free-thinkers, who are discontent with every single little thing on this planet and in their lives, who question every single little piece of experience and observation that comes upon them, who - through questioning - deny themselves the bliss that society can give in its normal operating mode. I am simply volunteering when I say that I am the latter form of being. And it is what I need to think through.

Lisa, you're so full of potential, I am told by one of the closest friends in my life. Potential is what is left when thinking too much knocks you off the board. Thinking about perfection, yet fearing the glory of reaching such a level of defined success. It is painfully contradictory to me. How can one lust for success so badly, yet fear it so much? Where does the fear come from?

Honestly? I fear reaching success. I fear living a passionate life. I feel that it would be much too good to be true. Yet I am not masochistic in any way. On the contrary, I feel that I protect myself to the highest degree by spending money and time on comfort - massages, personal training, clothes, make-up, home decor, much too much sleep, anti-pain medication, anti-stress programs, homeopathic treatments, acupuncture, chiropractic appointments, yoga, and the list goes on. So much comfort, all spawned by the media and the availability of money. Money used to come easy as General Manager. Now that I've been reduced in my own mind to Receptionist with a meager hourly wage, the availability of money is at a risk, causing my comfort to come into danger and elevating my need to find comfort elsewhere.

I fear experiencing something too good to be true because I don't believe it should happen. Logically. I fear that I don't deserve fame and fortune, because it is a creation of society, a position of royalty and celebrity which is an inflamed goal, set by crazed societal followers.

I looked up at the sky on a windy day, this Friday, and I saw the clouds billowing past a historic church steeple on Newbury Street. There was such strength and power in that external force, with such overwhelming intent that could drive the clouds at such high speed. And then there was man, as I imagined it, dabbling away with all his might in his own little section of existence. To what end? What is a job among the clouds and the true intent of nature? What kind of job exists in which I wouldn't feel insignificant in comparison?

OK, Conor. You win for now.

So a very dear friend repeatedly, and not quite surreptitiously, has been urging me to blog about my life because "it's so full of new and interesting things!" according to him. Well, I'm honored and flattered that you think that way, sweetie. It's just life to me. But in high hopes that my life events can become good reading, I find myself with a day off from work, so... here it goes again. My life of constant curvatures.

Since the last time I blogged (9/11/2005, about a year!) I have since:

1. Been promoted from Assistant to General Manager of an academic publishing company in the vicinity of Harvard Square (A note to all you high-ball hopefuls: I was promoted within 3 months of starting at the company without relevant experience, only a deep sense of professionalism and organization).


2. As General Manager, seen my personal, romantic, and social life disappear before my clouded eyes, my overall stress level increase, and unhappiness level decrease, to the point of physical debilitation. Hey now! On the flip side, the bonus of that life-giving effort was the rewarding experience of achieving a complete turn-around of the structure and organizational systems of the company, a complete overhaul of the company marketing and advertising campaigns, customer service, image and website presentation, and a 300% increase of circulation of several company products.


3. Left my job as General Manager. If I were asked the reason why, I would say that after bringing the company into the black, the vision and direction that the owner wanted for the company did not agree with my own. In absolute honesty and in perhaps unwanted detail, it was because the relationship of owner/general manager was an abusive one - both due to personality, business, and cultural differences, which may possibly be a stressor for any intelligent, self-respecting, competent person. The company products themselves are outstanding due to the solid collaboration of the international editorial boards. All I can say still now, after trying to convey this message to the owner, is this: Given a more coherent business plan/vision and corporate relationship structure, it would become a wonderful place to work and succeed. It still dumbfounds me as to how different "business common sense" is to different people, yet many still make it with what they have. This should give me inspiration...


4. Spent the end of July and all of August decidedly not working, trying to recooperate from overdoing myself and my nerves at my previous place of employment.

I have to stop here and point out that one of my favorite abilities that has been with me since I graduated from school is my natural knack of being able to exhaust myself to the point of illness without blinking an eye.

4. To continue, I went to a therapist who was with me while I negotiated my resignation at the publishing company, and who recommended going to a Stress-Reduction Program at the Mind/Body Medical Institute in Chestnut Hill, Boston. After researching it and finding out that it was covered by my insurance, I signed up for the program that started on September 7th! How could I resist learning about meditation, yoga, nutrition, exercise, and the Relaxation Response! (Yeah, I don't know if I'm being sarcastic yet, either. Read on.)


5. However, despite my glorious plans to go unemployed for a few months to "seriously" figure out what I wanted as a career for life (again, for at least the 4th time), after a few weeks into it, I decided I wanted my hair cut off. Short. To hell with all removable burdens! So my hair used to go down to the middle of my back. Then, in the pursuit of grandor and all things hopeful, I research the top salon in Harvard Square (gotta stay close to home, after all!) and come upon a classily represented place on the web called Gino Salon. After wavering between Gino and Alfred Salon, I choose Gino and book a "Can I come in today?" hair appointment. It coincidentally and luckily was a booking with Marisol, who has had 13 years experience and is one of the best at the salon (or so I read on CitySearch after the fact). My appointment with Marisol was where two things happened: a wonderful and liberating hair transformation was one. The second was enlightenment that: "Hey, being a hair stylist would be really exciting and fulfilling. I could help people therapeutically through consulting with their inner needs and improving their natural self-esteem and image." The thought conjured up unremembered memories of walking by this small, local salon in Cornell's Collegetown that had the sign on its windows, "Stylist wanted. Will train." and thinking that I would have been interested in pursuing that option, had I had my real way with my own life decisions.

Well, if anything has been more pushed in my face in the past few years and especially in the media, it has been the idea that we all as human beings shouldn't be fixated on defining success as the amount of power and money you have, it should rather be defined as the level of fulfillment in other areas such as in mental health, spirituality, and a freeing of your inner soul and strength.

6. In logical conclusion, therefore, I chose yet again to put aside my superb collegiate training in Computer Science and pursue what I thought at that time may have been a whim, a burst of that juicy adrenaline and euphoric hormones which give men the will to climb mountains and build airplanes. I chose to look up Beauty and Cosmetology Schools in the area and found Empire and Blaine, among others. After visiting them and finding them all fine and comfortably non-sketchy, with a Lisa-friendly period of schooling (only 8 months full-time), I decided the best bet, since all them schools require a sum greater than my life savings, was to do some simple low-stress investigation in the form of Receptionist at a high-end salon, where I would want to work as a stylist on my way up to the top, and determine if I am willing to make the investment.


7. That pretty much brings us to today, the here and now, I currently work as a Receptionist working hourly wages for a high-end salon on Newbury Street. Been here for two weeks, feeling out the industry, the people, the attitudes, the chance for progress for a lass like me. It's an interesting and confounding change, being involved in an industry where there are so many different types of personalities and so many levels of intelligence, business sense, and drive. After all, being a stylist really is like working for yourself, developing your own set, however large or small, of specific clientelle. This is no simple task, the likes of which require proper marketing, service, skill, and follow-up, just like a business operation.

Lots more in my mind, but it's already 11pm! More reporting to come as my dear friends push for more! This means you. ;)

Latas.

to my dearest

I'm just laying back on the pillows on my bed, typing with the laptop on my... lap. Wow, I never put the two words together. Lap-Top. Makes sense now! The genius of the naming system. I also lit some incense (the purple stick on the taller dresser). It smells like an Indian merchandise store, but it's somehow relaxing.

It's only 10pm, but I'm reelin' and ready to go to sleep. I know it's too early for that, but all I can think of that I have the willingness and motivation to do are write to you in a coma-like state, read, or watch TV. The usual. I think maybe I need some structure in my free time. Some hobbies... then maybe I'd have more energy and more ideas?

Recently I've been feeling like my mind is on cruise control, my life is at a standstill. I know we've talked about this before, but somehow things don't change. I don't want to take any dance classes or yoga classes because they require payment. The gym is definitely cheaper, so it'll be good to see if signing up for one helps. :) I need one that I can get to without a car.

Maybe this is because I'm not taking time for myself. I'm not having enlightening thoughts that pull my life together, or give me a sense of where I'm going. I know you wouldn't mind, and would in fact encourage it. So, why don't I? Because I'm not thinking clearly, I'm not in control of my mind. I'm on cruise control and every pothole, I hit again and again, the victim. Every sign of warning or advice goes unnoticed and unheeded. Yes, I know that having an active mind is satisfying and control-enducing. But I dread it's powers over me. I dread /feeling/ high, bright emotions in fear of their opposite, crashing and disappointment. I cry way too easily anyway. Pent up emotions do no good for me.

Maybe I should go to a library to think. Or go to a park. I should look for some around here. Maybe even the Cambrige Commons is fine, after work, to just sit and stare and release. Should I bring a blanket in a backpack to lie down on? That would be nice.

Or even just walk into Harvard Square on one of the benches, buy a turkey sandwich with avocado, or a drink. Even just sit in one of the many churches on Garden Street, there's nothing wrong with that... unless there are homeless people in there too... damn it. I'm so sensitive to the smell is all. Plus, I can't help but wonder, until my brain reaches overload: how could they become like that, and be fine with that?

I suppose that's just one kind of ceiling. I guess there are many different ways you could "put up with" what life gives you. Like me, I'm just putting up with the fact that I'm not moving forward in my life, on a personal level. On a job-level, I'll learn and progress a lot if I try and be mentally intelligent, which I am definitely bordering on. But on a personal development level, I'm stagnant, and not conscious of what's happening, until a month passes and things are still the same.

It's aggravating as hell, in a passive way. Which is a silent killer of energy, which is what is happening to me. A cycle, as usual. Not doing anything kills energy which leads to doing less, which leads to killing more energy, which makes me feel like a limp piece of boiled bok choy, at the mercy of the next diner (ie, fate??).

But how can I change this? And that's another point of inner conflict, dissonance and debate. As much as I don't want to be in my situation, I'm also somehow confortable and don't want to put in the effort to improve my situation, as that makes me have to struggle first.

Always the struggle, and the first steps are the most foreign and heavy. But the first step... so evasive. So pursued. I hope I can achieve clarity...

Ah, time enough to go to sleep without feeling silly. 10:54...

Seafood Delight

I need help, y'all. My new babies are being bad. My black molly was swimming around, minding its own business, but unfortunately, I was minding it; there was a long orange-ish pinkish trail of something following behind it. At first I was like, aww no way, not this one too... (I recently bought two Fancy (fantail) Guppies like this:

and they have been undergoing much bullying by the bigger, scarier fish called the Serpae Tetra). So needless to say, you can understand my reason for thinking that the foreign object trailing my blackie was a strand from one of the Fantails' fan tail.

Then it detatched, and was promptly eaten by the waiting fish below. Surely this could not be a fin. It slowly dawned on me, to my horror, that this lovely delicacy so sought by the neighbors was none other than the lovely leftovers from tonight's dinner. Real poopies!!!

This can't be natural. What is happening??

Anger Management

There are certain common themes in a workplace. In this case, I am naming the emotion, Anger.

When I first started at my current company, International Press (IP), I had come off of working at AEFA as a financial advisor, which really just means "salesperson" from 8-8. Twelve (12) hours a day, including Saturday phone clinic and after-hour appointments with prospective and actual clients. Oftentimes working 70-hour weeks and receiving the draw/minimum wage/commissions. It was all about results, clients acquired and money invested. "How many set???" If you weren't producing, you weren't valuable. All the talk was about numbers, and if you didn't make the goal, you were chastised and treated like a child who didn't do her homework. How childish of me to assume that there might be "financial advising" involved.

There were bonuses, of course, to having any sort of challenging job. I learned the essence of time management, priority management, awareness of the fact that people do try to take advantage of you, how to feel comfortable talking to the common public, professionalism, accountability, image, and so-forth. It has definitely helped me in my role at IP.

First off when I entered the doors of IP as an employee, I played it the naiive, Zen way and believed, lightheartedly, that this was a nearly perfect job. After all, it was 9-5, with an hour break, small number of employees (3 of us onsite), where any ideas could possibly be put into action. I saw, and still do, see a lot of potential in the company, and my own job description. A place where I can interact with many different people from all over the world, of different professions, from highly regarded university professors of all backgrounds to outsource agents in India and across the world, to printers, to high school and college interns (interviewing is so fun, I just wish I could chit-chat forever), the list goes on.

What's more, my manager is a great guy, really laid back and down to earth. He acts very professional and has a good reasoning sense, so I think of him as a role model who doesn't jump down my throat for results and status checks.

However. Yes, the law of balances kicks in right about now. The second co-worker of mine is what I hadn't prepared myself for. We've all heard of the office "bully," the one person who seems to fit every category of "aggressively angry person," either in a sneaky way, or a blatant way. This woman fits both.

I won't go into the drab and excruciating details, but to come to a point, I have been seeking online advice on Search Google for "Anger Management coworker".

Web Results:

Bodhinatha Speaks on: Anger Management, an incredibly helpful article, despite the initial choke reflex. (you'll see what I mean).

Anger - Managing a Powerful Emotion, which gave me some questions to think about, that I am going to go through right now for you! Mwa-hahahahaha...

---

The most important thing one can do to manage anger is to get to know this emotion and know it well. Ask yourself the following questions:

• What triggers my anger?
  
• Are there any themes in these triggers (for example, feeling condemned, feeling controlled by others, feeling rejected)?
  
• What happens in my body when I'm angry?
  
• What are my thoughts when I feel angry?
  
• What action do I feel compelled to take?
  

When you know your anger, you have a more controlled response to it. This puts you into the position of having more choices in how you handle angry situations.

---

OK, here goes. What triggers my anger?
When this woman speaks to me.

Next. Are there any themes in these triggers?
I don't want to think about it.

What happens in my body when I'm angry?
Surges of warmth... :P

What are my thoughts when I feel angry?
I don't have thoughts. I feel like waves of black wash over my consciousness.

What action do I feel compelled to take?
Revenge by outdoing.

OK, so these are shitty-ass answers. I'll probably be more serious tomorrow. But I will leave with one inspiring and hopeful quote:


"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent."

  - Eleanor Roosevelt

She is one smart lady.

Yours truly.

Bringin' back the good times! Come on, sing!

Why do good times mean bringing back things from the past?

Like singing. Just today, I auditioned for a choir, the Evensong Choir, at Christ Church Cambridge. Granted, I am not religious, but I needed to sing, and sing something close to what I had sung in the past, back during my high school and college days. Same exact way. SATB, a cappella, madrigal and renaissance pieces. And no dues.

Like writing. Also today, I created another blog, to post stories. Recalling the passion and time I had used back in college made me desire the same today.

I passed the audition, yes, and I started writing, yes, but it makes me wonder why I desire what has happened in the past? Perhaps it is a good thing, that these particular types of occurrences are something forever ingrained in my life. Perhaps I am thinking too much.

Two fish named Lisa

Some cool news, I bought some fish for my 39-gallon fishtank! The water is really cloudy right now, so it's hard to see them - Pete thinks the filter is too strong, so it's whipping up minibubbles...

But anyway, these are what I have.

---

4 Serpae Tetra (red minor) - I named one BabyQ because it's the smallest of the four and has a small, circular mole which makes it look like my dear sister, Q. Tonight, I also saw it break up a squabble between two of the other tetra by forcing itself into the path of an oncoming attack by one of them, deflecting the blow. Also a common, self-sacrificing trait, found in none other than Erica.

---

The Swordtail - 1 male (green), 1 female (black). The male has the cool swordlike appendage (err...). I'm almost close to naming the female Torpedo Poop because she's a dark brown, unflexible column that flies up and down the glass pane of one end of the tank. When she moves, she doesn't really swim, she floats/wiggles/sinks just like a poopie.

---

1 Black Molly - This one usually stays gracefully on the very top of the tank, skimming right below the surface of the water, fins flowing quietly with the current. Very smart - she gets first dibs on the food. Hmm, maybe I should name her Lisa for her intelligence.

---

I have no idea what these are, but they look like this Black Tetra pic, only they're yellow with red and blue flecks around the eyes. I have 1 male and 1 female. The female is already pregnant, so I bought "baby hideout" grass patches for her. The male is gentle and moves around slowly, but steadily, like there is nothing he can't handle. Sometimes I see the two of them swimming close to each other, so I might name them Peter and (Lisa - pregnancy).

---

I'm planning to get a few more fish next Tuesday (the fish specialist advised to wait a week until they all get adjusted), so I'm hoping to find really awesome, bigger ones. If you have any suggestions, definitely let me know. And hopefully I won't name any more of them Lisa! ;)

Ciao.

A quiet, quiet night

Coming home at 8:30pm last night to my own place was... disquieting. It was just too quiet! All I want to do is say hi to my loved ones, when all I'm faced with is a half-unpacked studio (with a lovely bed) and empty kitchen.

There is definitely something scary when there's no food to be found and it's rainy and dark outside. Then again, I've lived a sheltered, carefree life, blowing from jeweled treelimb to jeweled treelimb. I had leftover miso ramen and it was pretty gross.

I went to bed thinking about sunshine.

What do we have here?

Thank you Conor and Clive for inspiring me yet again. Blogs. A techy hobby that I had been trying to avoid due to the necessity of posting on a regular basis to keep things interesting. Am I lazy?
Call me lazy.
I'll write more later.
Doh, lazy again.